Sydney, NEW SOUTH WALES—Following its successful turnaround of Dick Smith for a $500 million profit at the cost of 3000 Australian jobs, private equity firm Anchorage Capitalists is on the hunt for its next
With over 400 years of combined experience in dishonest bookkeeping and underhanded business practice across its entire team, Anchorage Capitalists made the 'turnaround' of Dick Smith look easy.
"This shit was F***ing easy dude, just like stealing candy from a baby—or in this case, stealing life savings from dumb investors," an Anchorage Capitalists staff member boasted on their Twitter account. "The best part is that it was all legal."
Other information suggests that Anchorage Capitalists had full knowledge that Dick Smith was a doomed venture, as an ex-staff member reveals the firm had fondly nicknamed the dying electronics business 'Limp Dick'.
The Bokchoy was unable to reach Anchorage Capitalists CEO Philippe Crave for interview, as at time of writing he was reportedly in the Maldives celebrating his firm's big pay day.
However, a janitor from the beach-side resort allegedly overheard the company director say on the phone: "Three thousand jobs lost? Who gives a f***, we just made $500 million..."
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