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Szechuan, CHINA - Angry Apple customers have demanded replacement products from the tech giant, after the first batch of iPhone Xs malfunctioned due to poor assembly.

The iPhone X, Apple Corporation's flagship product released on 3 November 2017, has not exactly experienced a smooth launch.

It is reported that the first batch of iPhone Xs, preordered months in advance by the most die-hard ~~iSheep~~ Apple fans, are faulty due to a manufacturing error.

A DNA test revealed that the blood and sweat of a 6-year-old Chinese boy, which had become embedded within the phone during assembly, caused the phones to malfunction.

"I'm honestly *&^%ing disgusted to find out that some filthy Asian kid touched my $1500 phone," said Jack Mirrodin, who took a week off work to camp out and be first in line to buy the iPhone X.

Sources say the entire first batch of iPhone Xs released to developed countries such as the United States and Australia all suffer the same issue.

Customers have now demanded that Apple provide "clean" copies of the iPhone X that haven't been handled by child slave workers.

A spokesperson for the tech giant says it will consider using Caucasian child slaves in future, if there is enough demand for it, and "will assess the viability of these changes on profit margins."

BREAKING NEWS , Health , People , Technology

Apple Customers Demand Replacement Product after iPhone X Malfunctions from Assembly Error

Gary Lo Nov 22, 2017

St Lucia, QUEENSLAND—The creator of racist Facebook page, Humans of Sunnybank, has gone into hiding after forgetting to logout of their Facebook account from a public-use library computer at the University of Queensland.

Humans of Sunnybank (HoS), one of Australia's most hated Facebook pages, has done nothing but stir conflict between the Asian and Caucasian communities around the nation since its inception in July 2015.

Since its launch, many have sought to expose its creator(s) and put them on trial for their racist hate crimes which undermine the Australian spirit of multiculturalism.

A week prior to writing, it was reported on UQ Stalkerspace, the one and only irrefutable University of Queensland news source, that the admin of HoS had forgotten to logout of their Facebook account from a library computer.

As soon as the news broke, hundreds of responses called for the identity of the racist fanatic to be exposed with some even demanding, "Crucify him!". However, the admins of UQ Stalkerspace put an end to the discussion, citing Rule 6.9 of Section CDXX of the group guidelines: "No witchhunts allowed".

It is now rumoured that the maker of HoS has gone into hiding for fear of death threats, going so far as to change his/her name and gender on Facebook or even stop using the social media platform completely.

If you have any tips on the identity of the HoS creator, please contact The Bokchoy through our Facebook page—we would love to hear from you and write a follow-up story.

BREAKING NEWS , Education , Entertainment , People , Technology

BUSTED & DUSTED: Humans of Sunnybank creator Exposed, didn't logout of Public Computer

Gary Lo May 12, 2016

Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA—The Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has promised for North Korea to produce all future Nuclear Weapons using 100-percent Recyclable Parts, to help do its part in making the Earth a better place. The Bokchoy's Undercover Journalist, Nigel Fry, reports.

Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, has declared that his nation will in future only use 100-percent Recyclable Parts to build Nuclear Weapons.

North Korea, known for its reputation of being the world's leader in nuclear power, now wants to focus its scientific efforts on saving the world.

The dictatorship plans to begin mass producing these recyclable nuclear warheads in June 2016, with the intention of fast-tracking the new technology and distributing it to neighbouring countries.

"Soon we will have the powar to send renewable materials to anywhere in Pranet Earth—faster than you can say 'Nucrear Raunch Detected!'," boasted Professor Park Jin-baek, North Korea's leading nuclear researcher and former professional Starcraft Terran player.

As of writing, Mr Kim Jong-un has received a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for his contribution in preserving the planet.

BREAKING NEWS , Health , People , Politics , Technology

EDEN OF THE EAST: North Korea to use 100% Recyclable Parts in all future Nuclear Weapon Production

Gary Lo

Seattle, WASHINGTON—Scientists from the Global Institute of Mental Health have found a way to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Gold Digger Syndrome with 100-percent accuracy by observing an individual's Facebook usage.

Hailing Mark Zuckerberg as a genius, the researchers from the Global Institute of Mental Health (GIMH) developed a formula in correlation with a person's Facebook activity to determine whether or not they were obsessed with self-image and impressing others.

"Without Facebook's existence, this breakthrough wouldn't have been possible. Now we have a sure way of identifying serial attention seekers," said Professor Erik Bunsenmeyer, GIMH's Head of Mental Health Research.

Although Personality Disorders have been difficult to diagnose for many decades, the introduction of social media has significantly simplified the process.

"If a person posts at least one Selfie a day, or posts an Instagram of every single meal they eat, or uses the Check-In feature to brag about where they went—you know who to unfollow/unfriend, it's the most accurate method we've found,"

While 95-percent of Facebook accounts are primarily used for stalking an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or for spying on potential suitors, this new discovery actually makes using the social media platform a worthwhile experience.

"When you get engaged to a woman, take note: if she uploads photos of her diamond ring from more than one angle [...] yeah, that's a sign of Advanced Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Gold Digger Syndrome—I'd call off the engagement right away," said Kyle Durndham, Dating Coach. "Relationships are so easy, dude. Isn't Facebook amazing?"

BREAKING NEWS , Business , Education , Health , Technology

Researchers have Scientific Breakthrough in diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder with 100% Accuracy

Gary Lo Feb 28, 2016

Sydney, NEW SOUTH WALES—Following its successful turnaround of Dick Smith for a $500 million profit at the cost of 3000 Australian jobs, private equity firm Anchorage Capitalists is on the hunt for its next ~~victim~~ venture. The Bokchoy's Business Analyst Milo Fernandez reports.

With over 400 years of combined experience in dishonest bookkeeping and underhanded business practice across its entire team, Anchorage Capitalists made the 'turnaround' of Dick Smith look easy.

"This shit was F***ing easy dude, just like stealing candy from a baby—or in this case, stealing life savings from dumb investors," an Anchorage Capitalists staff member boasted on their Twitter account. "The best part is that it was all legal."

Other information suggests that Anchorage Capitalists had full knowledge that Dick Smith was a doomed venture, as an ex-staff member reveals the firm had fondly nicknamed the dying electronics business 'Limp Dick'.

The Bokchoy was unable to reach Anchorage Capitalists CEO Philippe Crave for interview, as at time of writing he was reportedly in the Maldives celebrating his firm's big pay day.

However, a janitor from the beach-side resort allegedly overheard the company director say on the phone: "Three thousand jobs lost? Who gives a f***, we just made $500 million..."

BREAKING NEWS , Business , People , Politics , Technology

Private Equity Firm finished with Dick Smith, seeks new venture - "3,000 jobs lost? Who gives a F***, we just made $500 million"

Gary Lo Feb 26, 2016

Everywhere, PLANET EARTH—Millions of women from around the globe have tactically changed their Facebook relationship status to "Single" ahead of the annual Valentine's Day celebration held on February 14.

Valentine's Day, a tradition that began in the early 20th Century, has always been associated with romantically gift-giving, usually from a man to a woman, and typically to a receiver who does not reciprocate the giver's own feelings.

However, in recent years, the noble origins of Valentine's Day have been twisted into one of sinister intention; the celebration is now commonly abused by opportunistic women to receive a substantial supply of free chocolate, flowers, and even jewelry.

As such, seeking to take full advantage of the tradition, millions of women have updated their Facebook relationship status to "Single", even if they are currently in a relationship or married.

When questioned about her motives for the Relationship Status update, 24-year-old Jenny complained that her boyfriend has never given her a Valentine's Day gift since their romance began in 2010: "Is it wrong for me to want to receive some roses or chocolate, JUST THIS ONCE!? If [my boyfriend] can't give me what I want, then I'll just get it from someone else!"

While some men have expressed disgust at this developments, level-headed observers remain unsurprised, saying: "Who even puts up an accurate and truthful depiction of their life on Facebook anyway?"

BREAKING NEWS , People , Technology

Women around the world Tactically Update Relationship Status to "Single" ahead of Valentine's Day

Gary Lo Feb 13, 2016

Redwood City, CALIFORNIA—Facebook had to urgently invest $600 million for extra servers to handle the "thoughts & prayers" traffic tsunami from David Bowie fans, in the hours shortly after the singer's death on Sunday.

On 10 January, 2016, English musician David Bowie passed away after an 18-month battle with liver cancer.

Fans of the influential singer immediately took to social media platforms to express their grief with an outpouring of "thoughts & prayers" for Mr Bowie, his family, and friends.

The overwhelming amount of status updates and tweets quickly overloaded both Facebook and Twitter's servers, while MySpace remained completely ~~unscathed~~ unused.

It was reported that, for a few minutes, Facebook's servers went down—the first recorded traffic-related malfunction since the site became available for public use in 2006.

An inside source indicated that, during the outage, over 9 million selfies and 6.4 million food Instagram photos were corrupted or lost in upload.

Silicon Valley dubbed the disaster "Blackout Sunday", as the most damaging unintentional cyberattack in computer history.

Furthermore, the downtime caused widespread panic among users, especially those of Generation Y, who were now unable to access their Facebook newsfeed: their primary source of 9GAG memes.

The server crash prompted Facebook technicians to execute an emergency backup hosting protocol, wiping 12 million terabytes (TBs) of selfies (98% of which were submitted by female users) and 16,000 TB of amateur wedding photos off the main data center to make room for the influx of tributes for Mr Bowie.

While many called the singer's death a "tragedy" and others condemned it as a "heinous and cowardly act", there was a minority who were overjoyed at the artist's passing.

Pope Francis of Assisi thanked God for Mr Bowie's death, saying: "Surely David Bowie's passing is a divine miracle, as his death has caused many unbelievers to pray to our Heavenly Father for the first time. I hope they encounter Jesus. Praise the LORD."