Oxford, ENGLAND—The Global Wellness Organisation (GWO) has issued a consumer warning after a new study has shown that everyone who has ever drank bottled water has died.
For many years, consumers have believed bottled water to be a specially processed strand of H2O with better taste and actual health benefits over tap water (which is more well-known in developed nations as "the peasants' beverage").
But now, after a Government-funded 4-year research program, a team from the University of New Oxford (UNO) has released a worrying report detailing the dangers of drinking bottled water—it is speculated that the results could topple the entire H2O industry.
"Everyone who has ever drank bottled water has died ... We thought for many years that it had real health benefits ... We were so wrong."
By packaging freely available liquid into plastic bottles and labelling it with a price tag, so began the most sinister marketing strategy unknown to man in the 21st Century.
After weeks of extensive testing, the Faculty of Biological Science discovered a 100-percent mortality rate among people who had consumed bottled water at any point in their life.
"Everyone who has ever drank bottled water has died, our findings showed," said Lead Researcher Alfred Ernestine, Faculty of Biological Science, UNO.
"We thought for many years that it had real health benefits and wasn't just a capitalist ploy to make money from something freely available ... We were so wrong..."
The GWO has urged water-drinkers around the world to cease H2O consumption immediately in preparation for a worldwide recall of the product.
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