The Bokchoy「白菜新聞」- The world's first Internet Newspaper

Logan, QUEENSLAND—The 2015 holiday season has been a grim one with Santa Claus confirmed dead, and many civilians injured from Boxing Day sales disasters.

On the early hours of December 26, 2015, shoppers camped outside the Logan Hyperdome Shopping Centre in anticipation of Boxing Day sales.

Reports say the line extended into the Pacific Motorway (M1), causing major traffic delays and multiple pile-ups.

Due to the overwhelming number of civilians, riot control and army personnel were on stand-by to keep the fat and sweaty crowd at bay.

From security camera footage taken at 0900-hours, as soon as the centre doors opened, an estimated 15,000 shoppers barged into the riot police flank, killing many of their own and injuring at least one law enforcement officer.

Witnesses say some bargain hunters even hijacked an army tank, using it to barge into the shopping plaza, crushing many Hyperdome staff members in the process.

Despite liberal use of tear gas, water cannons and tazers, the shoppers overwhelmed the police and found easy entry into the Boxing Day sales.

"I... I s-saw... w-who did this... irresponsibly selfish and insane shoppers (ISIS)... please bring them to justice," Marcus Whiteworth, a stampede survivor, told The Bokchoy with his dying breath.

BREAKING NEWS , Business , People , Politics

Boxing Day Sales now #1 Leading Cause of Death in Australia - stampede survivor blames Rudd Government stimulus package

Gary Lo Dec 29, 2015

North Pole, ARCTIC CIRCLE—Santa Claus’s body has been identified in a horrific sleigh explosion on the outskirts of the Arctic Circle, along with what appears to be elf and reindeer remains.

Santa Claus, spirit of Saint Nicholas, has just been confirmed killed in a tragic terror attack near his toy workshop and home in the North Pole.

Based on black box recordings retrieved from Santa Claus's personal transport, Sleigh Force One, at 2300-hours GMT+0, December 24, 2015 (Christmas Eve), anti-aircraft missiles made contact with the flying vehicle while it re-entered Arctic Circle airspace.

North Pole Air Traffic Control told the The Bokchoy that Mr Claus was running behind schedule in his gift run to Russia, and opted to shortcut through the Arctic Capital instead of flying the long way around.

It is still uncertain what launched the missiles, since one of Mr Claus's chief engineers reported that the cannons are specifically programmed only to fire automatically against ISIS- or Grinch-manned targets.

As the confirmation of the incident spread through mainstream news and social media, families around the world have joined to mourn the death of Mr Claus.

However, despite the bad news, some individuals have chosen to look on the bright side and not let this incident impact their Christmas celebrations.

Forensic detective Marcus Trent commented: “Though Mr Claus and his reindeer disintegrated at the moment of impact, none of the gifts were damaged. We believe Santa shielded the presents from the explosion in a selfless act of generosity—we're truly thankful. It's nothing short of a Christmas miracle".

BREAKING NEWS , People , Politics

BREAKING: Santa Claus’s body identified in tragic sleigh accident - "a heinous and cowardly act of terrorism", Christmas cancelled

Gary Lo Dec 25, 2015

Sunnybank, QLD—A new Asian fast food chain is set to open on Australian soil in 2016, offering authentic Chinese cuisine at affordable prices.

"The rice is better at Hungry Chan's"—that's the slogan one would hear when walking into a brand new Hungry Chan's restaurant, the first of which will open in Brisbane's Sunnybank.

The restaurant's founder, Tsek Chow-Fan, is confident his brand will bring healthy competition against the likes of Jackpot Dining, Kwan Brothers, Noodle Box and Hanaichi.

"Aussie people want the proper Chinese food at wery [sic] cheap price," Mr Tsek said. "We cater especially for gwei-lo taste and budget. Sweet & sour pork, lemon chicken, fry [sic] rice—all 5-dorrar only."

Although the grand opening of the Sunnybank restaurant is still a few months away, Hungry Chan's is already in talks to set up shop in other Brisbane suburbs such as Runcorn, Eight Mile Plains, and Stretton.

Already planning ahead, the fast food chain will also borrow the tried-and-proven business strategy from McDonald's Loose Change Menu by having its very own Hungry Chan's Cash-Only Menu.

Hungry Chan's: coming soon to an Asian suburb near you.

"The rice is better at Hungry Chan's."

Interested in becoming a franchisee, working at your local Hungry Chan's or just want to find out more? Follow The Bokchoy's Facebook page to stay updated with Australia's next big Asian food franchise.

*UPDATE* We've just received word that Hungry Chan's Cash-Only Menu is not actually a side menu but a reference to the fast food chain's strict payment option policy.

BREAKING NEWS , Business , Food

"The rice is better at Hungry Chan's" - new fast food chain offers Sweet & Sour Pork, Noodles, Dog Nuggets & more

Gary Lo Dec 17, 2015

Beijing, CHINA—Chinese Star Wars fans around the world have announced a global boycott of the upcoming instalment of the science-fiction franchise, Episode VII: The Force Awakens, just days before the movie's worldwide release.

Sources indicate that the Eastern community became outraged over the film's inclusion of an allegedly racist portrayal of Asian stereotypes after an early cut of the movie was leaked onto Chinese social media website Sina Weibo.

In the leaked video, the character in question is seen on what seems to be a rice farm planet with facial features unique to the Asian race. Furthermore, the apparent Gungan-esque individual was shown wearing what appears to be an ancient Chinese fedora.

"Harro, meesa Jar Jar Chink, prease to meet you! OPPA GUNGAN STYLE!

The character then managed to say a few words in a brief introduction, before being vaporised by off-screen Jawas: "Harro, meesa Jar Jar Chink, prease to meet you! OPPA GUNGAN STYLE!" Fans believe that Jar Jar Chink was stylised to be a distant cousin of Star Wars universe darling, Jar Jar Binks.

46-year-old Jing Kwai-Goong, Grand Master of the Star Wars fan club in China, who has looked forward to Episode VII since he first watched Return of the Jedi with Chinese subtitles in 1984, expressed his outrage at the anti-Asian themes present within the film.

"I want [sic] for many year [sic] to see [sic] Star War [sic] movie again, and I hoping [sic] will find [sic] girlfriend at cinema who like the Star War [sic] as lots [sic] as me ... this make me cry wery [sic] sad," Mr Jing said.

Although the Chinese community will miss out on the biggest movie event of the year, we urge our readers to not don't let their racial sensitivities stop you from tuning in for The Bokchoy's red carpet coverage of the Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens—get live updates straight to your smartphone by following our Facebook, Twitter (@TheBokchoyNews) and Instagram (@thebokchoynews).

*UPDATE* Fans have posted theories that Director J. J. Abram's decision to include Jar Jar Chink was not one he made Lightly, but was potentially under the influence of the Dark side of the Force when he chose to do so.

BREAKING NEWS , Entertainment

Chinese community to boycott Star Wars: Episode VII over racist 'Jar Jar Chink' character

Gary Lo Dec 14, 2015

St Lucia, QUEENSLAND—A Brisbane university student has been expelled after he was caught lying about his ethnicity to improve his grades.

Campus police at the University of Queensland (UQ) detained 23-year-old caucasian male Mitchell Chad, under allegations of pretending to be Chinese in order to be awarded a higher score for his end-of-year final exams.

It is believed the 23-year-old paid $6,000 (partly funded by a student loan from Centerlink) for plastic surgery ... to trick the university into giving him straight-7s and First Class Honours.

Apparently guilty of multiple infringements, the accusations leveled against Mr Chad include:

Using fake identification with the name "Michael Chan"
Taping up the sides of his eyes
Liberally striking the Asian-peace sign at every selfie opportunity
Pretending to not know English
Engaging in stereotypically Asian extracurricular activities, e.g. playing DOTA/League of Legends in the Holt room
Posting Klub Kandy dance party posters around campus

Even friends and peers have come forth to testify against Mr Chad, confirming that he began altering his appearance and behaviour since the start of Semester 2, 2015—including dyeing his hair black, always eating rice, noodles or sushi from the refect and commuting to university on the 169 Bus instead of driving, as he used to do before his unexpected transformation.

It is believed the 23-year-old paid $6,000 (partly funded by a student loan from Centerlink) for plastic surgery as part of an elaborate plan to trick the university into giving him straight-7s and First Class Honours based purely on his nationality, a trend he had observed in all of his Asian classmates.

A spokesperson for the university spoke out against this behaviour, discouraging other students from following Mr Chad's example.

"If you aren't actually Asian and you are found pretending to be one to gain an academic advantage, the next person we catch won't just be expelled, you'll be deported back to your 'so-called' Asian home country on a boat," said Kitty Rodriguez, a spokesperson for UQ. "Good luck with that."

BREAKING NEWS , Education , People

Brisbane uni student caught lying about ethnicity to improve his grades, will be stripped of degree but keep HECS debt

Gary Lo Dec 10, 2015

Sunnybank, QUEENSLAND—When the Brisbane Asian community was viciously targeted in July 2015 by a racist Facebook page, "Humans of Sunnybank", a global activist group, known as the GAASC, took it upon itself to campaign against the website.

The organisation, intent on protecting the oppressed Chinese people of Sunnybank from further racially-motivated abuse, started a petition to garner support from the international Asian community.

The Asian-supremacist group engaged in dialogue with ... Mr Zuckerberg himself.

Since its commencement, the petition received over 5,000 signatures and—earlier in December—finally caught the attention of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

Sources indicate that representatives of the Asian-supremacist group engaged in dialogue with automated Facebook support responses, thinking it was Mr Zuckerberg himself, thereby reaching the conclusion that Facebook admins had officially agreed to remove the page in 2016.

The GAASC (Group of Angry Asians who Suck at Campaigning) has expressed satisfaction at being able to restore multicultural acceptance throughout the Brisbane southside.

"We are delighted over the outcome of this campaign, and hope the owners [of Humans of Sunnybank] get sent to jail for their racism, falsely and inaccurately portraying Chinese [sic] as being dog meat eaters. Put them in the same cell as Pauline Hanson, that's where they belong," said Ellen Chui, a spokesperson for the organisation.

*UPDATE* The Bokchoy would like to issue an apology for our error in reporting; our fact-checker just confirmed that the petition is still yet to breach 400 signatures after 5 months. The '5,000 signatures' should be amended to say '5,000 likes', as that is the amount of followers Humans of Sunnybank received since the petition was started.

*UPDATE 2* In addition, the 'to be deleted in 2016' does not refer to the Humans of Sunnybank Facebook page, but rather the petition, as it is nothing more than an utter waste of space. We feel sorry and are deeply embarrassed—not for our mistake, but for the cringeworthy lack of support for GAASC's vapid campaign.

BREAKING NEWS , Politics

Petition to shut down racist Facebook page Humans of Sunnybank a success, faces deletion in 2016

Gary Lo Nov 3, 2015

Sunnybank, QLD—A Chinese man has finally passed his driving test after eight attempts, having accumulated over $9,000 worth of damages on his 1993 Toyota Camry and other cars while doing so.

Ng Jia-Che, 55, officially received his Queensland driver licence earlier today; he celebrated by buying a brand new Toyota Camry, which the dealership allegedly could not deliver due to the delivery driver having a sudden "stomach ache"—so they insisted that he drive it home himself.

Mr Ng was more than happy to do so, proud to be officially recognised as road-worthy, at least on paper, if not by neighbours and other locals.

Queensland Transport has now declared a danger warning for Sunnybank roads in light of these recent developments.

"Take only eight try, easy, the first seven time, always someone crash me!" Mr Ng said. "You think is bad, wait until you look at my wife driving—she can win Australia's Worst Driver no probrem!"

The newly licensed driver told The Bokchoy that, earlier this year, Mrs Ng executed a 15-point-turn to reverse out from their Sunnybank home to go to Market Square, one of Sunnybank's most popular food centers.

Eyewitnesses and business owners claim that upon arriving at the car park, Mrs Ng spent 30 minutes attempting a perpendicular park before giving up and driving back to her house, a mere 2 minute walk away.

Queensland Transport has now declared a danger warning for Sunnybank roads in light of these recent developments—"Drive at your own risk."

BREAKING NEWS , People

Sunnybank man finally passes driving test after eight tries, southside drivers urged to stay off roads for a few days

Gary Lo Oct 30, 2015

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