FRESH FROM THE NEWSROOM

Danzel Washington Announces Original Fashion Watch Label, All Profits Will Go To Charity


Beverly Hills, California - Academy Award Winning Actor, Danzel Washington, has just announced a brand new fashion watch label where all profits will go directly to charity.

At a press conference today, Mr Washington spoke openly about his intentions to end sweatshop slavery.

"Did you know that it costs less than $5 to make one of these - and that the workers in the factories make even less than that amount in a day's wage?"

The actor, who has made it clear that this brand of DW watches will remain non-profit, was happy to go on record about the exact pricing and profit margins.

Mr Washington, who has played a myriad of roles throughout his career, is no stranger to oppression.

His performance in 12 Years A Slave is just one such experience of what it's like living without the comfort of a multi-million-dollar mansion in Hollywood and unlimited money.

"Since these watches only cost $5 to make, I think $200 is a reasonable sale price - which means $195 from every watch purchase will go towards supporting Fair Trade."

Mr Washington's DW Watches officially go on sale next month with a RRP of $200, but eager fans can preorder them straight from China's factories via Aliexpress.com at cost for $5.

Gary Lo Mar 21, 2018
Apple Customers Demand Replacement Product after iPhone X Malfunctions from Assembly Error


Szechuan, CHINA - Angry Apple customers have demanded replacement products from the tech giant, after the first batch of iPhone Xs malfunctioned due to poor assembly.

The iPhone X, Apple Corporation's flagship product released on 3 November 2017, has not exactly experienced a smooth launch.

It is reported that the first batch of iPhone Xs, preordered months in advance by the most die-hard iSheep Apple fans, are faulty due to a manufacturing error.

A DNA test revealed that the blood and sweat of a 6-year-old Chinese boy, which had become embedded within the phone during assembly, caused the phones to malfunction.

"I'm honestly *&^%ing disgusted to find out that some filthy Asian kid touched my $1500 phone," said Jack Mirrodin, who took a week off work to camp out and be first in line to buy the iPhone X.

Sources say the entire first batch of iPhone Xs released to developed countries such as the United States and Australia all suffer the same issue.

Customers have now demanded that Apple provide "clean" copies of the iPhone X that haven't been handled by child slave workers.

A spokesperson for the tech giant says it will consider using Caucasian child slaves in future, if there is enough demand for it, and "will assess the viability of these changes on profit margins."

Gary Lo Nov 22, 2017
8-year-old Chinese Artisan Watchmaker Wins Employee of the Year Award, Youngest Ever


BREAKING NEWS - Shanghai, China An 8-year-old Chinese artisan watchmaker has been posthumously awarded Employee of the Year by watch company Daniel Wellington, the youngest staff member to ever do so.

Siu Pang Yau, born in 2009, has been praised by the owners of the Daniel Wellington (DW) fashion watch brand for his work ethic and commitment to product quality.

Despite dying on the job from being overworked, Siu Pang was remembered and honoured in a statement from the watchmakers earlier this month.

The 8-year-old, who has been living and working in one of DW's factories since 2016, was headhunted from his primary school playground for his extensive work experience in sweatshop conditions.

Originally destined for a rough school life of chasing A-pluses and perfect report cards, DW offered Siu Pang a lucrative career in watchmaking.

Sources report the child assembled over 25,000 watches during his tenure at DW, which earned the corporation nearly US$5-million.

"I think [Siu Pang]'s accomplishments will definitely inspire the other children in our factories to learn the value of hard work," a spokesman for DW said.

Although he was fresh out of kindergarten, Siu Pang had an impressive reputation from age 4 - including holding the world record for the fastest assembly of an Apple iPhone 6 Plus, back when he allegedly interned for the California-based tech giant at their Beijing factory.

DW plans to commemorate Siu Pang's passing with a limited edition Daniel Wellington SP (Siu Pang) watch, for only US$400, a modest mark-up from the actual cost of parts ($5).

Gary Lo Nov 13, 2017
Student drops out of UQ and enrols at QUT after scoring 98 per cent in assignment


St Lucia, QUEENSLAND—A University of Queensland student has dropped out of UQ and enrolled at QUT after shamefully scoring 98 per cent in a maths assignment.
  • A University of Queensland student has shamefully dropped out to enrol at QUT
  • The unnamed science student scored 98 per cent in a Maths assignment
  • He fears he doesn't deserve to study at UQ because of the score
  • Seeking to complete his education at a lesser university but fears history will repeat itself and end up at Griffith eventually

A university student says he is on the run from UQ in fear of public humiliation from other students after scoring 98 per cent in a maths assignment.

The 19-year-old University of Queensland student, who asked not be named, identified himself to a 40,000-member Facebook group, UQ Stalkerspace, showing his marked 41/42 assignment with an ominous plea for alternative universities where he might be able to get consistent full marks.

The Chinese-born Bachelor of Science student told The Bokchoy News he has yet to return to UQ and fears he may be shamed by fellow students because he failed to land a perfect score.

'I'm always very scared when I don't score 100 per cent. When my peers find out I'll get teased and laughed at,' the student said.

He said he's been expected to uphold 100 per cent grades since his first semester at UQ, suffering taunts and humiliation whenever he falls short.

'When I was in my freshman year, I got laughed at even by the lecturer and tutor if I don't get full mark. Last time I got under 100 they told me "you should have enrolled at Griffith instead".'

The student claims he is seeking refuge at a friend's university dorm, but believes his fellow UQ students are on the hunt for him.

'They tried to call me out already. They told me I needed full marks for the Maths assignment because I am dishonouring UQ's image.'

The student said after falling short of a perfect score in a previous assessment, his classmates warned him 'if you want to work at McDonald's for the rest of your life, should consider going to QUT or Griffith instead.'

The post has been met with an outpouring of humiliation on a public Facebook group, where many laughed at the student.

Gary Lo Oct 20, 2016
After 48-day coma, Asian man shocks famiry with first words 'I want Hakataya Ramen'


Sunnybank, QUEENSLAND—An Asian man has woken up from a 48-day coma and shocked his famiry by immediately asking for a bowl of Hakataya Ramen.

Po-jin Lau, 36, fell into a coma back in early April after causing and surviving a dangerous car accident in the Market Square carpark in Brisbane Southside suburb Sunnybank.

Mr Lau, who is one of many Asians in Brisbane who drive without a valid license, was very lucky to be alive.

After a grueling 48 days, with family and medical staff unsure if he’d ever wake up or suffer from permanent brain damage, Mr Lau woke up, and although he struggled to speak, when he finally did, he uttered the words: "I want Hakataya Ramen."

Doctors asked Mr Lau what he experienced while in a comatose state, and the patient recalled vivid dreams.

"I had a terrible nightmare, I want to wake up wery badry [sic]—in my dream, everybody who drink Sakuraya get the diabetes and died! And they still charging $10 for a milk tea!" said Mr Lau.

Mr Lau now has a second chance at life, and hopes to get back on the road soon.

Gary Lo May 16, 2016
COUNTERFEIT KINGS: Chinese Replica's of George Zimmerman's Gun flood online stores - "More profit than selling fake LV Bag!"


Shanghai, CHINA—Chinese counterfeiters have mass-produced replicas of George Zimmerman's gun which was used to kill unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin, with the intention of passing them off as the original, which ended auction at $65 million (USD) with Hillary Clinton as the highest bidder.

In February 2012, white supremacist George Zimmerman shot unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin during an altercation between the two. The killing has been identified by commentators as a critical moment in American history, rivaling the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in 1963.

Mr Zimmerman, unable to find employment since the incident and living in a country with no welfare system, resorted to pawning the iconic weapon he used to kill the teenager in order to fund future attacks on innocent black people feed his family.

Through an online auction, the pistol, affectionately named by gun enthusiasts as the 'Ku Klux Kannon', attracted a final bid of $65 million (USD) by US Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Seeing the potential for money to be made, Chinese counterfeiters immediately began mass producing replicas of the 'Ku Klux Kannon' with the intention of selling them online to America's racist community.

Chow Chan-bun, a 6th-generation counterfeiter, comes from a long line of artisans—in fact his descendants were the first Chinese to popularise replicas of Louis Vuitton bags.

"There is only one Ku Krux Kanon, but there are 200 million racist living in America—so demand wersus the suppry is very big. It is basic economys, even 5-year-old Chinese boy can tell you," Mr Chow said.

Mr Chow's replica will retail for an initial price of $34.50, with discounts offered for bulk purchases. Readers are welcome to order their own replica 'Ku Klux Kannon' through The Bokchoy's online store.

Gary Lo May 14, 2016
Mayor of Sunnybank extends open invite to Johnny Depp to return to Australia - "Your dogs is always welcome here"


Sunnybank, QUEENSLAND—The Mayor of Sunnybank has publicly extended an invite to movie star Johnny Depp to return to Australia, emphasising that the actor's dogs will always be welcome in the Brisbane Southside suburb.

Johnny Depp, best known for his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of Caribbean movie franchise, violated Australia's strict quarantine laws in May 2015 by bringing his dogs to this nation's shores without declaring them to officials.

When Australia’s agriculture minister Barnaby Joyce threatened to kill Mr Depp's dogs, Pistol and Boo, residents from Brisbane Southside suburb Sunnybank were outraged.

Known for their love of animals, especially dogs, Sunnybank residents issued death threats to Mr Joyce.

"Don't let the white man kill a dog, they don't know best way to preserve the fravour in the meat!" cried one Sunnybank woman on her Facebook.

A Change.org petition started by the Mayor of Sunnybank's office back in May 2015, titled "Save Depp's Dogs" gained over 800 signatures in 2 hours.

Now, a year later and following Mr Depp's official apology for his actions, Chi-pang Low, incumbent Mayor of Sunnybank, has extended an invite for the Hollywood actor to return freely to Australia with his pets in tow.


"Jonny Dapp, come back to Sunnybank anytime, and bring your dogs too—we will welcome them wery much," announced Mr Low on his Twitter.

Gary Lo May 12, 2016